I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had recently with my significant other, about our expectations about romance. Our real-life relationship qualifies as a friends-to-lovers story, a slow, steady liking leading to affection, connection, living together, and, finally (at least for my mother-in-law), years later, marriage. I told him that I sometimes regret not having experienced the "grand passion" type of love—Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, Tristan and Isolde, Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara—and asked if he ever felt the same. "No," he said, looking at me with some puzzlement. "That's not something I expected at all." It made me wonder where his expectations about love and romance had come from, and in what ways they differed from, and in what ways they overlapped with, my own.
In particular, I started to think about what expectations about love and relationships I had learned from reading romance novels. And I thought I'd write an occasional post here on RNFF about different things I've come to expect after my years of romance reading, whether they have in fact played out in my real life, and then ask you about whether these things have proven to be true or not in your real, day-to-day relationships.
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| An ad for the "Cuddle Mattress," which "let's you hug your better half intimately without any arm or wrist problems" |
This first one is something I've always been disappointed about not happening in my real life. Unlike Paul Bennet, hero of Jo Leigh's Harlequin Blaze novel Ms. Match quoted above, as well as thousands of other romance heroes and heroines, I've never been able to fall asleep in a lover's arms. Oh, I can take a quick catnap, especially after a lazy weekend daytime tryst, but fall truly, deeply asleep? No way. My legs start to twitch; my brain starts thinking about the chores of the day to come; my body gets uncomfortably warm, even sweaty, tucked up so close to another person's heat. My love may be snoring beside me, but though my eyes are shut, my body just will not allow itself to drop off into unconsciousness. I always find myself slowly pulling away, needing to turn onto my tummy and pull the covers up over my shoulders, safe in my own solitary bubble of space, before golden sleep can reign.
Am I just an oversensitive oddity? Or is the falling asleep in your lover's arms a comforting fiction of romance? Enquiring minds (at least this one) want to know: Can you fall asleep while spooned up close to another person?
I can fall asleep as the little spoon, but not the big spoon. :)
ReplyDeleteMy big disappointment was that "hot kisses" are just body temperature, unless there are recent hot drinks involved. Exciting, sure, but I had imagined them as literally hot!
Bring on the mulled cider...
DeleteWe can drift off that way, but it never lasts. I'm a restless sleeper and I'm always afraid of waking him, so I'll inch away before long. It makes me sad. And it's out of character in some ways, because when we're awake and in the same place, we're almost always in contact.
ReplyDeleteYes, it makes me sad, too. Part of why I wrote this post--if most people aren't doing this, then I don't have to feel left out!
DeleteMy husband and I love to stretch out in our corners of the bed. A california king bed is perfect for us! We may start out cuddling but darn if we both don't need our own space to rest properly! The one time we DO cuddle-sleep though is during weekend afternoon naps which has just sort of happened over the years.
ReplyDeleteYour post btw is very interesting because I just assume that a lot of stuff in the romance novels is just fantasy and not really practically doable. (that maybe the reason why over the years I have developed a taste for certain kinds of romances!)
Oh my marriage too btw is a friend-to-lovers one but I have never felt a lack of grand passion… ha, how interesting! I never would have realized that till I read your post... I guess it might depend on our definition of grand passion!
Oh, I assume a lot of stuff in romance novels is just fantasy, too. But some things seem possible, just not do-able for me. Hence this post...
DeleteHow would you define "grand passion"?
Hi Jackie! I guess for me grand passion is marked by intensity. Intensity of emotions, and feelings. Like wanting to just eat him all up? :P (I have periodic bouts of those!)
DeleteAs a young person I absolutely could fall asleep half lying on someone else. I asked my husband of 18 years about this recently, as I CANNOT sleep touching another human now and I wanted to know what his experience was of us sleeping in the same twin dorm bed all those nights in college. He said that in order to fall asleep, he had to wait until long after I was heavily asleep, then he could shift and get comfortable enough to sleep. Certainly not a win/win.
ReplyDeleteI remember sleeping over in my boyfriend's twin bed, and not sleeping at all. Finally got up and went back to my own bed at 4 in the morning :-(
DeleteThanks, everyone, for sharing. So interesting!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have slept in a regular double bed for over 27 years. So even though we may not "snuggle" to sleep, we are almost always touching in some way. I actually find it very comforting. Especially when it's my cold feet in between his warm legs. And he never complains. Now that's a keeper!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have snuggling incompatibility. He would love nothing more than to cuddle me like a teddy bear all night, but I get claustrophobic if someone touches me while I'm sleeping. We compromise by spending a few minutes cuddling, then going back to our own sides of the bed for sleeping.
ReplyDeleteCan't fall asleep snuggling. Just feels too hot after a while. And not "hot" in a sexy way, hot because my DH is like a furnace and gives off a lot of heat!
ReplyDeleteIf I can fall asleep with a lover at all, then I can also fall asleep in his arms (or with him in mine), whether or not we stay there or move apart while asleep. I have definitely had lovers I couldn't get more than a few scattered hours of sleep with, even if we weren't touching, because my body couldn't relax enough.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a snuggler but he's learned that I can't sleep that way. I definitely can't sleep if we are facing each other - I cannot breath someone else's breath. But to be honest, he wasn't offended by any of this. He understands that he likes certain things when he sleeps and so do I. We often touch feet but that's all the snuggling we do as we fall asleep (we may snuggle for a minute or two before moving into our sleep positions).
ReplyDeleteI have never been able to snuggle. Hurts my neck and shoulders. Honestly, after years of not touching each other in a king bed we moved to separate bedrooms. I love him dearly, he loves me passionately, but we simply can't sleep together because of my snoring.
ReplyDeleteLooks like happy snugglers re in the minority...
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the other person, although after awhile our bodies won't be touching each other from stem to stern. It's just not possible to stay in one position (or to have limbs wrapped around or snuggled up to another) that long.
ReplyDelete-lawless523 (for some reason, Blogger is acting as if I'm not using my LiveJournal username)
Falling asleep or waking up cuddled up is very different than sleeping 7-8 hours entangled with another person. The latter is just impractical and downright uncomfortable :) What is your definition of 'grand passion'? For me, there is a huge difference between literary (cinematic) vs real life grand passion. The couples you mentioned were entertaining reads, but I certainly wouldn't want to live out their relationships. I consider my 18yr plus a grand passion, but from the outside looking in, it's pretty boring and low key.
ReplyDelete